Some things will just remain as usual.

No matter how hard you tried, you just can't get more from it.

So, this is the time where you have to control yourselves and keep your pace.

The more you ask, the more you can't get and in the end only disappointment befalls you.

Sometimes it will be better to remain just as it is used to be.

There's too many doubts which you can't figure out which might occur in the future.

So, in rather losing another friend, why not just maintain it?

I think this is the only best way.

I feel that I'm seriously having a mental depression right now.
Every time I heard something related to Biology or any term that appears in it, I’ll start think back what I've done for my that paper. I felt regret and at the same time depress. I can’t imagine how many marks I will lose. Too many blanks in that paper. I know this because I did the same thing during my trial. Guess what I got, 20+ out of 100.

I’m really worried this thing will happen again as this is not something to mess with. It’s about my future and my life. I can’t imagine I might ruin it on my bare hands. For Mathematics, I can roughly know what grade I will get. Hopefully it’s B, but the best will definitely be A.

Not only that, I also partially screwed my Chemistry paper 5. I could not manage to complete question 2. I left the last page blanked. However, there’s still hope for my Chemistry, as long as I do well in my paper 4, which I’m trying very hard now.

I really need someone to talk to, but I couldn’t find anyone. I can’t find my secondary friends because we’re on different course and I don’t think they’ll truly understand what is it like to be this depress. They didn’t sit for the paper, so they wouldn’t know its difficulty.

It’s weird that, though I’ve many friends but at the moment I’m lost, I can’t find someone right now. I really felt lonely right now. I really need someone who can understand the pain I bear. I understand this is just the beginning of life and I shouldn’t give up right now, but the feeling of guilt is still there.

No matter what the circumstances is, I really want my Biology to get at least a B. I really hope Cambridge will not set the grade threshold too high. I really have no other way but just to pray very very hard now. This is the first time ever I felt like this before. I don’t know what explanation I can tell my parents if things turns out not as I expected. One can never know this feeling unless he experience it.

I seriously need some advice and someone to talk to.

Sometimes I really wish to go back to my secondary life.
This desires somehow seems to be getting stronger day by day.
It's not like I'm unhappy with my current school life.
I'm satisfied.
But, secondary life is simply the best.
I can't put any words to describe how best it is because it's perfection is already there, all by itself.

There's no worries.
Not much fear.
Not much boredom.
Everything just seems to go on smoothly.

In that life,
That is the time to recognise love.
That is the time to realise how important friendship is.
That's the time when your heart start pounding really hard when you meet someone you like.
That's the time where you spend most of your time with your friends.
That's the time when everyone's thinking is still naive.
And, that's the time when you learn how to be brave and never give up.

There's not much worries for exam or results because you know that you can do and score it.
Everyone has a second tutor to live with, and that cause most people to be dependent on others.

But now, things change.
Though there are more events now like prom and OO Night but part of the fear in me still lies around.
Maybe I've lack the courage to move on.

I start to fear with my exam and results.
I start to get bothered by small stuffs like transport.
I start to wonder what's my next plan for today, tomorrow and so on.
I start to worried about my future.
Too many thoughts and consideration came into my mind at once.
I've to solve this puzzle one by one, all by myself.
Sometimes I'll think what will I b doing if I really screw my course.

There's so many goals that I want to achieve and the only words I can think of now is to never give up.
No matter how many times I fall, I really hope no one to calculate.

Whenever I fall, I only want one thing, that's to see pairs of hand, reaching out for me, pull me back and to support me.
I also really hope someone will pat my shoulder and tell me sincerely, Nicole, it's alright, don't be upset, you've done your best and I've seen it. I'm really proud of you.
And, I wish the person that can tell me this are my family members.

I've learnt many things from Kenny today.

Thanks to him, I understand what am I to the others.

From what he told me, I can feel that I really need to improve myself a lot.

I find it hard to accept what he told me.

I thought everyone will feel happy when there's someone beside them who's willing to help and care for them most of the time.

Looks like I was wrong and I've been carrying this wrong thinking for 19 years.

What he said was true.

My kindness is my greatest strength but at the same time, it is also my greatest weakness.

I didn't realise they way I care for people make them somehow feel irritated.

I think I'm on the extreme.

Once he told me, I really can recall back all my friend's feelings, their expression.

I'm glad that he told me earlier before it's too late.

Besides,

Kenny and I some sort have a little similarity so I decide to ask him a question - What gift does he usually give his friends.

It all started like this. I told him that I seldom spend money on myself but used in on my friends (buying things for them). He just say that I'm being a fool that I should spend more money on myself rather than anyone else.

I remember when he heard that, the response I got from him was, he seldom buy things for his friends. He feels that it's unrealistic using money to buy item for a friend where giving hand-made item will be better.

I'm actually surprise in what he said to me. He indeed giving example of asking me to choose which would I prefer more from a guy - a guy who use money to buy a RM85 necklace or a guy who spend his time baking cake for me. I told him, I like both but honestly this question really strike me. It's easy to answer actually but I just couldn't tell him.

All along, I only use money to buy things for a friend and I wouldn't care the amount of money spent. I thought that this is the greatest. After listening to what he said, I really don't know what else more to say. I just tell him that I look like a failure right now. Even he as a guy would think like that but I couldn't. I can't answer him because, at the bottom of my heart I would definitely prefer the cake but I usually only know how to use money. However, there's one time where I succeed in giving my friend a hand-made photo album.

From what he told me today, his words, his thinking are still in my mind. I can't find a solution to it. It's really nothing to do with different gender.

Seriously, too many things have been in my thought right now. I accept what he said not because he's my friend but what he said really reflects me.

Somehow, I really need to correct myself a little bit more.

Woohoo~~

Finally finish watching an anime yesterday~~

I love that anime a lot.

Kaichou wa Maid-sama (My president is a maid)

It's a about a girl, Ayuzawa Misaki who's studying in a co-ed high school. This school was used to be a boy's school, so the number of girls are very little.

I like her because she's very capable, not only as a president but also in other fields. She's good in sports and also academics. All the boys were afraid of her because she's a devil to them and always beats the boys in every category, no matter it is sports or academics. However, there's a guy where she always lost to. He's Usui Takumi!!!

He's one hot guy, handsome looking, good in everything - academic, cooking, self-defense and sports. He's the best of the best and even the boys in the school dare not touch him. I believe he's a guy where every girls dream of.

Usui like to tease Misaki, making fun of her, making her angry, making her nervous, making her blush, makes her feel confuse, create troubles and etc. However, he'll always be there when Misaki is in danger and always try to protect her. You wouldn't know how he got there to save her or when. He just pop up and your heart will get melted by how he rescue Misaki.

Both of them are the best couple I've ever met. However, Misaki is being so blur that she doesn't know Usui's feelings towards her or perhaps she doesn't even want to know.

Coming to the end of the story, Usui's rival, Shintani appear who claim to be Misaki's childhood friend. Misaki is always worried about him no matter what he do and where he goes. So at the end of the stroy, who will Misaki choose? Usui, the perfect guy ever or Shintani, the guy that always makes Misaki worried?

I'll rate this as 4.6/5.0

Usui and Misaki

Usui got hurt from saving Misaki

Sports day

Ask Shinata to keep her secret as a maid

Shinata

Feel free to go any anime website to watch this anime

www.watchanimeon.com

It's had been almost a week since the last paper I sat

However, the guilt I had after Biology and Maths paper still continue piercing into my heart

It's really hard to forget and get rid of this feelings, though people always say let the bygones be bygones

I really feel guilty right now for not completing the paper even though I have the time.

I fear that my marks will pull down my overall grade.

Biology paper 4 carries the most weightage out of 5 papers.

Though I left paper 5 but how can I expect paper 5 to balance my marks? It only contribute 12% of it and paper 4 is like 40%

My dad would kill me if he knows how pessimistic I am now. He always teaches me to apply the law of attraction - be confident and believe what you think and wish for can be fulfilled, it's all in the state of mind.

But for now, I do really hope I can at least maintain my grades, despite all the mistakes I've done and this is a must!

*sigh*

I really have nothing to say after I stepped out of the room.

I'm hungry, confused and weak at that time.

I can feel that all my brain cells are dying.

I did not do well in my A2.

Pardon me!! A2!!! not normal examinations.

I blanked a few questions bearing high marks like 9 or 6 or even 11

That's for maths.

Worst come to worse when I sat for Biology

We don't have long break after Maths, only about 10 minutes.

The first question is OK for me.

As I continue doing, I start to feel boring and sleepy and hungry.

Imagine you have to be in the room for 4 hours with no food.

It's actually a mistake to place Maths and Bio paper together.

We used up most of our energy solving Maths and now Bio

So overall, I really regret for blanking quite some questions especially for Bio.

I was seriously no mood in answering everything any more.

As for now, the only thing I can do is pray hard and do well in paper 5. I really want to maintain my grade or upgrade it ONLY.

may god bless us all..