Dear blog,

Well, I finally got over with my AS examination today. I seriously can't sleep yesterday because I'm going back to Malacca and at the same time getting my freedom for a while.

Finishing this exam is something that I have been waited for, though I will meet another nightmare in August as my results will be released. However, I think I should carry on with my life. To me, just be positive for whatever that had done (taught by the book 'Law of Attraction and Secret'.

So now, I'm in Malacca now while writing this blog. All thanks to Jo Ann for her good driving skills that manage to get us to Malacca from KL for her first time highway driving experience. It's indeed an tired day today but I doesn't want to sleep so early because I don't want to end my day so fast today.

Well.... Just forget everything that I have answer in my Chemistry test today. I believe I have did my best and putting all my effort in it.. So stay focus and I will always believe that I can score straight As for AS xD

Sometimes I really feel like running away from home.
Everyone will always say that home is the most comfortable place to go and live in.
It have its warmth and comfort given by your family.
But.. In my opinion, this kind of place will only depend on which home you got.

I wouldn't say that I have a terrible home right now. I'm satisfied with what I have right now. But there's always one thing that I can't barely stand.

Sometimes, I really don't understand why is it so difficult to get their support. I don't understand why they always like to compare me with other people. Don't they think this is kinda childish?? I know that we must have opponent in order for us to improve ourselves. But what's the point of laughing at your own family member when other people beat he/she?

Everyone is unique in their own way. No one is perfect. We should always try to accept their weaknesses but not laughing and criticizing on it.

Yes... I understand I'm going to wear braces in just less than a week. This means that my AS exam is just around the corner. I understand that wearing this thingy is not easy as it hurts and I require a lot of courage to put it on and bare it for at least 2 months. Thus, I indirectly need support.

The thing that I don't understand is what is it so funny on putting those thing on? I seriously don't understand why my brother always like to compare me and my sister. My sister is wearing it now, for almost a month. Why the hell does he have to say that I'll look ugly in putting on braces while my sister wouldn't?? Where the hell did I offend him???? Well not to say, everyone always thought I offend them all the time as I will always talk back to them. Try to think of it, maybe sometimes I was wrong and I feel guilty about it. But does he ever feel guilty about it?? I just want to make things right. For example, playing computer games for the whole day without doing anything, especially homework is wrong. I know that I should not bother them too much, but in the end who will get the blame??? Who's future will vanished?? I was just trying to help them but they don't seems to understand what am I doing.. No point telling them because they wouldn't listen.

Okay, talking about braces. Yes.. I'm having this rubbers in the mouth, between 4 teeth and it's irritating and annoying because I can't eat a single damn thing. It will hurt if i ever chew hard. So is there any mistake if I complain about it? It's not what I want to have it this year!! I don't have the choice man! Why would they like to compare me and my sister?? My mom asked my sister that why is she still able to eat while the rubbers are in her mouth? She answered that she's strong LOL. Fine then for whatever she say. Keep in mind that I'm not jealous of her. I felt unfairness in it!

Maybe I'm also being naive in whatever I wrote in here but these are my feelings! There's nothing wrong about expressing it. I do not which to write anything but I endure too much and I just can't stand it anymore. I remember once, my brother told me one thing that really pissed me off. He said, I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't exist in this world. I shouldn't be in this family!!!
WTF!!! This is not what I want ok Mr.??? If he say like that, why don't he ask himself??? I tried not to listen to what he says as I just simply do my things without answering his question. But, deep inside my heart, it's just like a knife just stab my heart for a few times continuously.

Jo Anne, I think I finally understand what it's meant to be 便利贴. Sometimes you think and care for others but the only thing you got back is a piece of shit. That's how they repay you. I fed up with this kind of life. But, I would want to say, this is me and that is how it makes me unique in my own. If those people think that they want to get advantage from me, the only message that I can give is

GET LOST!!

Today, finally got back my Chemistry and Biology paper 1.

'Sucks' is all I had in my mind right now.

If you ask me why my score is low, I can only say I don't know.

Chemistry - 15/40

Biology - 24/40

Can you ever imagine what kind of results is this??

I seriously had no idea.

Yea... I'm really not fine, even though I will say I'm fine all the time.

My mental partially break down.

I know what's my total score for Chemistry - 47 (same marks as Maths)

Do you have any damn idea what result is this???

Well, this is not the first time for getting 40+ in Chemistry.

But! I got to know that the results we got will be send to Cambridge.

*Swt*

I was totally speechless when I know this.

47 marks for Maths and Chemistry.

What do you expect now????

AS is coming and this is still the results I'm getting.

No comment at all man...

But, I would like to thanks Bella for bringing me back.

She did support and motivate me and ask me not to give up.

'No matter what results you'll get for your A Level, B, C or D, the important thing is that you've tried your best.'

'You had put your efforts in answering the question, and this is the results you get, then let it be. Just tell yourself that you've tried your best'

And... Mr. Siva say...

'You may do well in your A level, but you may not be a successful person. Many As don't mean anything, you can even do better in the future with those who score many As'

This is sometimes something to wake me up. My ambition is to become a pharmacist. I am very sure that there's a University will accept a student like me. I may not be smart, but I'm willing to work hard.

Now, maybe my results for Biology and GP are not as good as last time, but the only thing I have to do now is to aim for my AS! One month more..... Just good luck to me!!

Quote for those who fail their test:

DISINTERESTED people say, "Who cares and why bother to study?"

DESPERATE people say, "If I don't pass, I'll sure die!"

DETACHED people say, "If I don't pass this time, it's OK and I'll try the next time."

Just got back my maths paper... Sometimes i really don't know what to say to myself. 47 marks, is all i can get. Where's the remaining marks go? Carelessness and don't know how to do.

I think this is the 2nd time my marks fall within the range of 40-50. The other time were not that good also, just that it's higher than 50.

With my current performance, I'm not so sure that i can do well in the actual exam. I did the past year. I can hardly know how to do because there're always a marking scheme beside me and I'm not nervous at all. I know i must think positively, i understand that there's still a month time for me buck up everything. But, how can i be so sure that i will not repeat the same mistakes i had done? How am i suppose to know that I'm able to remain calm? I don't know what will happen to me on the actual exam, but I'll definitely give my best shot.

Mentioning about scholarship, I'm not afraid of losing it. Some friends say that there's no need for me to worry about my average percentage since i lost my scholarship. This is totally not about the money. I always want to score above 60% not because of scholarship but i want to know where i actually stand. 60% is my aim, as it's also the scholar's aim. I'm not competing with anyone, i just want to know how far can i go. I just don't know why some friends just cant understand what i want. They always thought that i want back my scholarship so I'm so concern about the 60%. I don't need that for the time being! Sometimes i really hope there's someone who can understand my situation and feelings. Don't say I'm stubborn for maintaining that 60%, this is determination. Without determination, how can you be successful? I bet the only thing you know is to give up. This don't suit me! I seriously wouldn't want to give up anything while i still have the chance.

But now, i finally know where i stand. I really don't deserve to be a scholar at the first place. At first i thought becoming a scholar is so cool, because a scholar usually have good results. Now i finally realise that it's cool at all but only stress. I feel that, i will only take scholarship if my parents are not able to afford me. What's the point of having scholarship where you're going to give it back later on?

Since AS is one month ahead, i think i seriously need to settle everything down. Minus all the unnecessary entertainment, hopefully I'm able to catch up everything. A month is short, but I'll give my best for now. Those who read this post, i hope I'm able to obtain support from you. Every minute support meant a lot to me now.

Hopefully i won't be psycho during my study month.

At last!! Mid course is over~
Here comes the AS exam *aiks*

Last day of test - Chemistry~~
I only know I kept answering the question non-stop
First time I can complete almost all of the question
BUT..
Able to complete and get the correct answer is a different matter, anyway who cares??
All I know is I've tried my best and that's all I can say

After exam definitely go and play. With my character and behaviour, I will not take any books, out it in my hand, open it and start reading lol~
The only thing that came in my mind after Chemistry test is - pasar malam and K time lol~~

It's really a fun day with everyone~
Got to stay at Elly's house is also nice. Sister staying together haha..

Anyway, I think after this i have work on my studies

Well I'm partially came back from where I supposed to be hehe..
Having exam so can't blame for not going online~
Anyway.. don't mention anything about exam now~ I don't even have the mood to talk about it arghh~

So first of all I would like to welcome back myself to my own world where I can write anything I like in here, anything that I want to say in here and any complaints that I want to complain.

Got back to my facebook..
Don't know what's wrong with it, it seems that all my notifications from 40 suddenly turns to 8 even though i didn't even have a look at them. Well never mind~ Visit my 6E's group, a group created for all primary friends to gather.

I think after entering that page, seriously become a bit emo d haha~
They didn't did anything wrong or what, just my own low self esteem~
They wanted to have a gathering and I keep wondering whether to go or not lol~

It's not easy to say go means go for me.
I don't mind any other gathering but this I seriously don't know~
I had a nightmare during primary and I really never wanted to go back to that moment.
I was the class's joker, got teased by them and my class teacher even teased me one year~

OK! not to say I'm a sensitive person or what it's just that the feelings doesn't feel that nice~
Looking at how my friends or even my best buddies, they changed.
Yea~ they indeed changed a lot and I understand that people do change.
I don't mind how they look, whether they're a nerd or not i don't mind it's just their behaviour~
I hardly believe that one of my best buddy came into there and post f*** 6E
So swt man~

I practically don't like people to speak bad words when it is not necessary~
I don't know why, this is just my character and I guess that's why I get bullied easily~
I don't think i gave my ex classmates a good impression~
So.. I don't know~
Even after i joined that group, don't seem that most of my comments were replied~
I'm just like an outcast at there~
Sometimes i really wondered why am i so stupid to care for people who don't even care about me?
I think that what makes me for who I am now~

A girl who only know how to care and think about others before herself. Sometimes living as this kind of person is really tiring, but what to do??
Cause that's me~
And I love the imperfect me~

I don't know what hurts you
But I can feel it too
And it's just hurts so much
To know that I can't do a thing
And deep down in my heart
Somehow I just know
That no matter what
I'll always love you.

Just love these sentences~
I extract it from a lyrics, though I don't know who sang it or is the lyric really (some people might just write it)
It's a instrumental song
The best instrumental song I ever found, composed by Yiruma
This lyric is found in the song 'Kiss the rain'*
This song make me feels like learning back piano
I regret for giving up lol

*the song playing in my blog