Dear blog,

Holiday is over but I'm still in my holiday mood. I can't even hold my book for more than 10 minutes. There'll always be something that will distract me. Recently, I watch a English drama call Vampire Diaries. I'm so in love with this drama now, perhaps drooling for it.

I like the storyline and the character. I don't know what will the book going to be, but if I want to compare it with Twilight movie, I'll put my thumb down in this show LOL. Ok! I admit that the main characters look better than Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. Both of them are too skinny and it looks scary on Robert Pattinson in New Moon.

The 3 main characters in Vampire Diaries are Elena, played by Nina Dobrey, Stefan by Paul Wesley and Damon by Ian Somerhalder. I like Elena a lot, not because she's pretty but also act better than Kristen lol.. The story is so far so good and I think my dad is into this drama too. Well, I just hope season 2 can be released asap! =D

From left: Ian, Nina, Paul

Dear blog,

    I wanted to phone Joanne yesterday after reading her Facebook status, but I couldn’t. I understand how she felt because I’m also having the same problems. So I'm worried that I wasn’t able to calm her down and explain things to her.

   I always face the same thing as Joanne when i have to part with my friends, especially bestie. I didn’t told anyone before what happen when one of my friend is going to study at Australia. On that day, I couldn’t watch her enter the plane because I’m having Chemistry test. So i decided to phone her and just bid goodbye. Who knows, the moment I heard her voice and she said ‘hello’, my voice start to tremble. I want to show her that I’m tough enough to deal with it but I was wrong. I almost cried that time. Luckily she hang up the phone first before me. She got to enter the plane so we have to end our conversation there.

   The next thing is when my friends were about to go for NS. I seriously don’t know what is wrong with me that time. We had a gathering. At the end of the day, I was speechless. I didn’t speak nor laugh but just listen to what they say. I think this is the so call emo-ing. My friend send me back that day. On my way back, I broke into tears. I remember that everyone was terrified by my action. It’s quite funny when i think back. The only thing I told them is that I hate separation.

    From everything I’ve been through, I can know that I’m still not strong enough. Not strong enough to protect myself, so how can I protect others, I wonder. It seems to me that I’m still naive. I just dislike accepting or facing the reality. Everyone always say that friends will always deceive each other at the end. I really want to prove them wrong, because I believe that I always have a wonderful friends around me.

    Now, another friend, Jasmine might be leaving. She’s a good friend to Joanne. Even though I don’t know her well, but I was a bit sad too when I heard this news. She’s like a mom to me. The way she speak, her action, somehow make me feel so secure. Though she like to tease me by saying that she’s not a pure Malaysian, where her mom is a Philippine, or something. She’s a nice girl. I dislike her at first because I feel that she’s fierce. After knowing her, I know that she’s not like what I’ve been thinking of.

    So Joanne, I know why you will be sad. But the only thing I can say is that, we must be happy for her. She have decided her future, and she’s aiming towards her dreams. There’s no point holding her back. She maybe will be sad and unable to move on if she knows how you feel. I believe that you can be tougher than me. Yes, I know you have been with her all the time, long enough as though both of you are like sisters. So, I hope you can show her that you can still move on. Sometimes we really can’t depend on somebody else too long, as this will cause a bad habit to us. So now, here’s your chance, prove to her that you can also succeed just like her. Not to say is in academic, but in life. Don’t say that is impossible. There’re still many possibilities outside and you still have a long way to go. Pray deep in heart for Jasmine’s success. I believe this is what she’s hoping for now.

    At the mean time, if you need someone else to talk to, you’re always welcome to talk to anybody you like to. I believe we will always be there for you, my dear.

   I also think that I must be strong. So Jenny, by the time you come back from Australia, I want to show you that I’m becoming stronger and stronger =D. I will always know that our bond is unbreakable, though we quarrel, we laugh and we cried together for almost 8 years now, but just to say, thanks for everything.

Love you always.

Dear blog,

I'm finally back to my sweet home. I love my room as I have not been sleeping on it for four days.

On Saturday night, we really spent most of our time pillow talking at Joanne's room. Too many things to say, to talk to discuss. It's something that I've not been doing it for such a long time. Though I can't stay up the whole night but I manage to make my day until everyone agrees to sleep. I'll die if i don't sleep =(

The pity thing is that Chun Hoe had to break his own self discipline for not sleeping at 10pm, like he always use to do. There are many things that Chun Hoe did for his first time such as:
- taking bus to a different states
- sleep at a girl's house
- using other people's kitchen
- burnt his hand (a bit of oil splash on his hand while putting the meat into the frying pan)
and.... etc

Among these four days, I like the time when all of us cook our lunch together. I always cook at home but it's a totally different feeling from cooking with friends. Chun Hoe is definitely the chef and me, Joanne, Elly, Shin Cher, Wan Yee and Chua are his helper. It's very funny and cute of Chun Hoe for his nervousness when cooking. He always claim that he cook badly and fail =="but in my, or maybe all of our opinion, he's the best. Even though I cook all the time, but I don't think I am able to cook like him.

After lunch, Joanne brings all of us to eat Portuguese egg-tart, except me =( because I have a family dinner later. After eating egg tarts, they went to a stall to drink coconut shake and lastly Jonker Walk. I'm a bit sad that I wasn't able to follow them especially to Jonker T_T. By the way, we got to know one of Joanne's senior. I don't know what's her name, but I feel that she's a sweet girl. She's cute in her own way and......... I like her in person. After that, I meet up with them at Jalan Ong Kim Wee to eat satay celup.

We then head back to Joanne's house. Joanne had a terrible driving during that night LOL. Since Saturday is the last day of our trip, everyone start pillow talking and even the boys enter Joanne's room. We talk and talk and talk non stop until 5am only decide to go to sleep. So the next day, I woke up at 11am (the latest) and the earliest I think is Chun Hoe.

One more funny thing is that, Joanne's senior suspect their relationship between Chua and Chun Hoe. This really make everyone laugh non stop. Who ask them to share food together and go and wash hands together hahaha..

So in overall, we calculated that we ate more than 30 types of food during our trip to Malacca. I think everyone will gain weight and I think is time for us to exercise =D

Dear blog,

Well, I finally got over with my AS examination today. I seriously can't sleep yesterday because I'm going back to Malacca and at the same time getting my freedom for a while.

Finishing this exam is something that I have been waited for, though I will meet another nightmare in August as my results will be released. However, I think I should carry on with my life. To me, just be positive for whatever that had done (taught by the book 'Law of Attraction and Secret'.

So now, I'm in Malacca now while writing this blog. All thanks to Jo Ann for her good driving skills that manage to get us to Malacca from KL for her first time highway driving experience. It's indeed an tired day today but I doesn't want to sleep so early because I don't want to end my day so fast today.

Well.... Just forget everything that I have answer in my Chemistry test today. I believe I have did my best and putting all my effort in it.. So stay focus and I will always believe that I can score straight As for AS xD

Sometimes I really feel like running away from home.
Everyone will always say that home is the most comfortable place to go and live in.
It have its warmth and comfort given by your family.
But.. In my opinion, this kind of place will only depend on which home you got.

I wouldn't say that I have a terrible home right now. I'm satisfied with what I have right now. But there's always one thing that I can't barely stand.

Sometimes, I really don't understand why is it so difficult to get their support. I don't understand why they always like to compare me with other people. Don't they think this is kinda childish?? I know that we must have opponent in order for us to improve ourselves. But what's the point of laughing at your own family member when other people beat he/she?

Everyone is unique in their own way. No one is perfect. We should always try to accept their weaknesses but not laughing and criticizing on it.

Yes... I understand I'm going to wear braces in just less than a week. This means that my AS exam is just around the corner. I understand that wearing this thingy is not easy as it hurts and I require a lot of courage to put it on and bare it for at least 2 months. Thus, I indirectly need support.

The thing that I don't understand is what is it so funny on putting those thing on? I seriously don't understand why my brother always like to compare me and my sister. My sister is wearing it now, for almost a month. Why the hell does he have to say that I'll look ugly in putting on braces while my sister wouldn't?? Where the hell did I offend him???? Well not to say, everyone always thought I offend them all the time as I will always talk back to them. Try to think of it, maybe sometimes I was wrong and I feel guilty about it. But does he ever feel guilty about it?? I just want to make things right. For example, playing computer games for the whole day without doing anything, especially homework is wrong. I know that I should not bother them too much, but in the end who will get the blame??? Who's future will vanished?? I was just trying to help them but they don't seems to understand what am I doing.. No point telling them because they wouldn't listen.

Okay, talking about braces. Yes.. I'm having this rubbers in the mouth, between 4 teeth and it's irritating and annoying because I can't eat a single damn thing. It will hurt if i ever chew hard. So is there any mistake if I complain about it? It's not what I want to have it this year!! I don't have the choice man! Why would they like to compare me and my sister?? My mom asked my sister that why is she still able to eat while the rubbers are in her mouth? She answered that she's strong LOL. Fine then for whatever she say. Keep in mind that I'm not jealous of her. I felt unfairness in it!

Maybe I'm also being naive in whatever I wrote in here but these are my feelings! There's nothing wrong about expressing it. I do not which to write anything but I endure too much and I just can't stand it anymore. I remember once, my brother told me one thing that really pissed me off. He said, I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't exist in this world. I shouldn't be in this family!!!
WTF!!! This is not what I want ok Mr.??? If he say like that, why don't he ask himself??? I tried not to listen to what he says as I just simply do my things without answering his question. But, deep inside my heart, it's just like a knife just stab my heart for a few times continuously.

Jo Anne, I think I finally understand what it's meant to be 便利贴. Sometimes you think and care for others but the only thing you got back is a piece of shit. That's how they repay you. I fed up with this kind of life. But, I would want to say, this is me and that is how it makes me unique in my own. If those people think that they want to get advantage from me, the only message that I can give is

GET LOST!!

Today, finally got back my Chemistry and Biology paper 1.

'Sucks' is all I had in my mind right now.

If you ask me why my score is low, I can only say I don't know.

Chemistry - 15/40

Biology - 24/40

Can you ever imagine what kind of results is this??

I seriously had no idea.

Yea... I'm really not fine, even though I will say I'm fine all the time.

My mental partially break down.

I know what's my total score for Chemistry - 47 (same marks as Maths)

Do you have any damn idea what result is this???

Well, this is not the first time for getting 40+ in Chemistry.

But! I got to know that the results we got will be send to Cambridge.

*Swt*

I was totally speechless when I know this.

47 marks for Maths and Chemistry.

What do you expect now????

AS is coming and this is still the results I'm getting.

No comment at all man...

But, I would like to thanks Bella for bringing me back.

She did support and motivate me and ask me not to give up.

'No matter what results you'll get for your A Level, B, C or D, the important thing is that you've tried your best.'

'You had put your efforts in answering the question, and this is the results you get, then let it be. Just tell yourself that you've tried your best'

And... Mr. Siva say...

'You may do well in your A level, but you may not be a successful person. Many As don't mean anything, you can even do better in the future with those who score many As'

This is sometimes something to wake me up. My ambition is to become a pharmacist. I am very sure that there's a University will accept a student like me. I may not be smart, but I'm willing to work hard.

Now, maybe my results for Biology and GP are not as good as last time, but the only thing I have to do now is to aim for my AS! One month more..... Just good luck to me!!

Quote for those who fail their test:

DISINTERESTED people say, "Who cares and why bother to study?"

DESPERATE people say, "If I don't pass, I'll sure die!"

DETACHED people say, "If I don't pass this time, it's OK and I'll try the next time."

Just got back my maths paper... Sometimes i really don't know what to say to myself. 47 marks, is all i can get. Where's the remaining marks go? Carelessness and don't know how to do.

I think this is the 2nd time my marks fall within the range of 40-50. The other time were not that good also, just that it's higher than 50.

With my current performance, I'm not so sure that i can do well in the actual exam. I did the past year. I can hardly know how to do because there're always a marking scheme beside me and I'm not nervous at all. I know i must think positively, i understand that there's still a month time for me buck up everything. But, how can i be so sure that i will not repeat the same mistakes i had done? How am i suppose to know that I'm able to remain calm? I don't know what will happen to me on the actual exam, but I'll definitely give my best shot.

Mentioning about scholarship, I'm not afraid of losing it. Some friends say that there's no need for me to worry about my average percentage since i lost my scholarship. This is totally not about the money. I always want to score above 60% not because of scholarship but i want to know where i actually stand. 60% is my aim, as it's also the scholar's aim. I'm not competing with anyone, i just want to know how far can i go. I just don't know why some friends just cant understand what i want. They always thought that i want back my scholarship so I'm so concern about the 60%. I don't need that for the time being! Sometimes i really hope there's someone who can understand my situation and feelings. Don't say I'm stubborn for maintaining that 60%, this is determination. Without determination, how can you be successful? I bet the only thing you know is to give up. This don't suit me! I seriously wouldn't want to give up anything while i still have the chance.

But now, i finally know where i stand. I really don't deserve to be a scholar at the first place. At first i thought becoming a scholar is so cool, because a scholar usually have good results. Now i finally realise that it's cool at all but only stress. I feel that, i will only take scholarship if my parents are not able to afford me. What's the point of having scholarship where you're going to give it back later on?

Since AS is one month ahead, i think i seriously need to settle everything down. Minus all the unnecessary entertainment, hopefully I'm able to catch up everything. A month is short, but I'll give my best for now. Those who read this post, i hope I'm able to obtain support from you. Every minute support meant a lot to me now.

Hopefully i won't be psycho during my study month.